I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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