There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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