Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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