yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
