you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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