You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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