very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
