Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
