Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
