I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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