I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
