toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
