i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
