I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize