There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
