My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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