i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
