Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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