I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Life is so much better after having sex.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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