my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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