Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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