I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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