I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
