Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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