Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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