I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When did angry sex become our thing?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize