I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
