My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
