Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize