I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
