my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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