im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
