Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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