I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
