but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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