I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize