Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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