it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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