I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
