there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
