Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
