Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
