PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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