I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
