I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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