My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
