Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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