Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
