I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
