I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
