Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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