I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
