you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize