then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize