whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
