she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
