I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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