I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
